Operation Bamboozle
by GallyGee
Summary: Malcolm's very, very secret notes for his plan. No Unauthorised Access. Psst! Part 3 now inside.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: The characters and Universe of Star Trek do not belong to me. I am making no financial gain from this story.

This is a companion piece to 'Breakfast' but in a different style. You'll need to at least skim 'Breakfast' first to make sense of this.

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**Operation Bamboozle**

**Part 1**

Malcolm's preliminary notes: obtained by devious means.

**-------------------------**

Security Lock Alpha Gamma Delta 2-3: Reed, Lt. Malcolm

**Strictly Top Secret** ------------- **NO UNAUTHORISED ACCESS**

Mission Planning – Preliminary Notes

_Operation Bowman_? No. No good. Much too obvious. Plus it reminds me of that old film where the computer goes insane and takes matters into its own hands. Strikes a little too close to home. Whoever chose it for Movie Night last month is also insane, in my opinion – I had to baby a number of jumpy people over the next few days after it was shown. And what was that ending about?!

And I can't believe they are showing _'Alien'_ next week. Who is choosing these films? I've a good mind to go to the Captain and get it changed.

Huh. He'd only laugh at me... who am I kidding - Trip does so why would Archer be any different? As I recall, Trip thought it highly amusing when I complained to him about all the calls I was getting after that film _'2001: A Space Odyssey'_ was shown. Every time our computer did the most minor unexpected thing there would be a panicky crewmate on the other end of the comm channel. And then, when the computer actually did begin to do some very peculiar things - the doors unexpectedly opening and closing at inopportune times comes to mind, oh and what might be otherworldly 'voices' coming from the comm panels - Trip wouldn't take it seriously. Travis thought that was funny too.

Hmm.

I wonder...?

Naah...

Why can't we see more modern films? _'Die Hard 32: The Remake'_ came out last year and I still haven't seen it.

Okay, rant over. Back to work.

How about...

_Operation Agincourt_...? Relates to longbows, literary connections, an English win by a few archers against huge odds – that has to be inspiring! Although, would that make me French if Archer is taken to be a longbow man...? Umm. I suppose we _are_ really on the same side (despite the Captain's apparent dedication to doing the absolute opposite to anything I advise), so I can be English as well. "Cry 'God for Malcolm, England and St. George!" ::laughs::. That has a great ring to it. Mind you, there is also..."Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more; Or close the wall up with our English dead" .::sobers up:: Umm. Perhaps not.

Pass on this. Also, too pretentious. Pretentious? Moi?!

Scrap _Operation Agincourt_

Let's try

_Operation Obfuscate: _Most apt. Yeah. Go with this.

---------------

No. I've had to scrap that. I was having a professional discussion with Trip today which got rather heated. I don't know why. It seemed quite plain to me, but he went on and on, and then shouted, "You know your trouble, Malcolm? You just want to obfuscate everything!" It shocked me, I must admit. So much so, that I couldn't get my response to his objections out of my mouth, so we ended up doing the mods his way after all. I expect it is pure coincidence.

I mean, it has to be, hasn't it?

I suppose he might have caught a glimpse of the file name. He may be a good engineer, but he can't hack into files, can he? Nah. Hoshi might, but not Trip...

Did I see them talking together today...?

It's no good. I better change it. And change the security algorithm. And up the encryption level.

So, scrap _Operation Obfuscate_.

----------------

At last -- Got it!

_Operation Bamboozle_. Perfect.

Whew. That's only taken me several hours on and off to come up with.

----------------

**Phase 1: Water Polo**

What is it like? General impression (according to Trip who's sat through a game) - "A bunch of guys screwing around in a pool."

Do I really want to go there? ::Sigh:: Needs must.

The Captain's team? Trip says Texas, but I don't believe him. Surely the Captain is from California?

-----------------

I was right! I challenged Trip and he admitted he was having me on. It's CalTech!

-----------------

Basic facts.

First fact: Two teams, four players on each team – make a note of that. It always looks like more. I suppose that's because they thrash around so much in the water. That could be a useful point of discussion.

Second fact: popular in South America. Well, I never knew that.

Third fact: played on a pitch roughly equivalent to three soccer pitches. Size 180m x 270m.

Huh?

That doesn't sound right.

Oh. Search omitted 'water' for some reason.

Try again. Here it is: played in pool of maximum size 30m x 20m, minimum 20m x 10m. Number of players in a team is 13, 7 of which can be in the playing area at any time.

::sigh:: This is going to be hard work...

-------------------

Gggrrr. Trip. I'll kill him one of these days! - Save the aliens the trouble. Doesn't he realise how important accurate intelligence is in any mission? Admittedly, he doesn't actually _know_ he is assisting me with _Operation Bamboozle_, but it was very underhand of him nonetheless. His motives had to be questionable. Hoshi confirms the Captain's team is Stanford! She sees all the data traffic via the comms channel. The Captain has feeds for Stanford info.

Hoshi was suspicious of my interest but I think I got away with it.

Next task: Download Stanford Water Polo News Items. Plenty of these in the ship's library. I wonder why - Not!

Rules: I wonder if they have an offside rule? That's always good for a few hours' discussion in football.

There's certainly a lot on foul play and 'brutality'.

Let's see. Rule 21.8: 'One of the most serious acts of striking is elbowing backwards (figure 19), which can result in serious injury to the opponent.'

Hmm. Must remember that. It might come in useful one day.

That appears to be the highlight. I suppose if I dwell on it too much, the Captain will think that's all I care about - not exactly suitable for breakfast conversation is it? Pity. Back to less confrontational aspects of the game, then.

::big sigh::

-------------------

**Phase 2: Henry Archer**

'The Engine and the Man' -- Download and study.

Need to be careful with this one. Don't want to get onto fathers in general.

::pause::

I still can't believe the Captain called my parents without asking me! What did they think?! All that technology and Starfleet equipment used for a completely trivial purpose. I expect Dad thinks Archer is a right idiot. That doesn't reflect well on me either, does it? And then the Captain interfering, trying to subtly suggest I should write to them. I just pretended I was far too dense to understand what he was getting at. Worryingly, he had no trouble in believing that.

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**Phase 3: Beagles**

Source Material:

'_Beagles: A Guide to Pedigrees'_—'Summary: A comprehensive analysis of several hundred years of bloodlines, including genetics, dosage (measurement of speed and stamina), female families, and X-factor beagles (particularly influential)' -- Download and study. Only 500 pages or so... small type. Plus Appendices... even smaller type.

Is this really necessary? Do I really need to prepare a Phase 3? I better had, otherwise I know I will regret it. 'Be Prepared.' ::sigh:: Was there ever a Beagle Merit Badge?

'_Fun with Your Beagle'_—'Summary: teach your Beagle tricks and amaze your friends! Includes diagrams.' -- Download and study. Hhmm. The diagrams seem a tad complex. I might need to borrow the holographic target projector from the Armory to get a good 3D representation of them. I could say I was re-calibrating it or something if anyone asks why I want it.

Actually, looking at these diagrams, some of them could make very interesting target tracks. I'd have to delete the images of the beagles of course. My God! Imagine if the Captain caught us using beagle targets! I'd be busted to Crewman Second Class for sure and spend the rest of my career scrubbing plasma conduits.

Are my holoshopping techniques up to it?

Yeah... I'll risk it.

Umm. But I'll only use the program when I'm absolutely certain the Captain won't be dropping by. It'd be just my luck to miss deleting one. Or they'll magically reappear from a different earlier saved version.

What's next?

'_The Picture Guide to Beagles'_—'Summary: A pictorial guide to Beagles.' You don't say?! How _do_ they come up with these creative titles? -- Download and study.

'_A Veterinary Manual for Beagle Owners'_—'Summary: Up to date reference work for the beagle owner, including a new chapter on Denobulan medicine and its applicability to beagles.'-- Download and study. I wonder what it says about cheese. Does variety matter? Is Stilton - horrible stuff... you'll never get me eating that again! - worse than cheddar?

'_The Poetry of Beagles'_—'Summary: Beagles have inspired many of our best poets over the years. This is a collection of some of their most popular works.' -- Download and study. I refuse to recite any, however.

'_A Beagle Miscellany'_—'Summary: A volume of beagle prose, poetry and art. Includes interactive sculpture section.' -- Download and study. I think I might actually try the sculpture part. I am sure I have an artistic talent. I just haven't found it yet. Perhaps sculpture is my 'thing'?

'_My Beagle – My Friend'_—'Summary: A true story of astonishing poignancy. When a man falls ill, his faithful beagle comforts him.' -- Download and study, if I must. Have bucket nearby, just in case. Huh? I don't believe it! This blurb says it has been made into an award-winning movie. Perhaps _'Alien'_ isn't so bad after all?

'_A Beagle and a Ukulele'_—'A biography of the famous 'singing' beagle, Bob. Includes re-mastered recordings.' --Download and study, but under no circumstances play. Might this give the Captain dangerous ideas? Possibly... I'll need to think carefully before deploying this weapon. I don't think he's got a ukulele but Trip has a harmonica.

'_Beagle World'_ – 'Summary: A bimonthly magazine covering all the breaking news in the Beagle world and regular features 'My Beagle of a Lifetime', 'Great Beagles of the Past' and 'Where to walk with your Beagle' (with interactive map). Issues held from 2100 to date -- Download and study. I expect all the readers' competitions are well past the entry dates by now.

Oh. A quick glance at some of the letters pages shows that emotions can run high in the beagle fraternity. What's this topic? Whether one should use a plaid or fluorescent blanket for walks in inclement weather. I wonder what the Captain favours? 'Plaid' is tartan, isn't it? I'm surprised they don't mention that only certain clan members... Oh. They do.

::sigh:: I know I mustn't shirk from hardship, but in this case, I really don't think I can bring myself to discuss the merits of tartan against high-viz with the Captain. Nah. He would think any blanket is sissy wouldn't he? That's as good a justification as any to leave that topic well alone. I'll only revert to this if absolutely desperate.

'_Tinker, Tailor, Soldier... Beagle'_ – 'Summary: A tense espionage thriller in which a spymaster's beagle is suspected of being a mole.' -- Download and study. This sounds strangely familiar, although I can't quite place the beagle reference.

Hmm... We are well stocked with beagle works it would seem. Ahh, here is one which has been added more recently...

'_101 Uses for a Dead Beagle'_--'Summary: 'Robust' cartoon fun.' – Download and study.

Delete _'The Voyage of the Beagle'_ from the search results. Pity, because it's much more interesting but irrelevant to canines.

::deep sigh:: This is going to take forever...

I think I'll start with '_101 Uses_...'

-----------------

That was actually quite funny. Some of the suggestions could even be practicable. Ahh. Someone has added a review. Let's see...

_"This is full of sick humor and I am shocked to find it in my ship's library. However, it does not contravene the ship's library regulations as they stand at present. Until those are amended, which will be soon, it must remain available. I urge you to avoid this work" -- Signed 'A Concerned Beagle Lover'_

Yeeesss. I see. Someone seems to have mislaid his sense of humour. Or should I say... humor. I wonder who that might possibly, possibly be?

_'Was this Review Helpful?'_ - click on 'nul points'! Oh, well, One Star then, as that's the minimum. Should I add my own review? No. Better not. Who knows how anonymous these things really are?

I'm not paranoid. Just rightly cautious.

Enough fun.

No- wait - let's see... if I was being exceedingly evil, what would I put in my review? Hhmm? What about...

"This book is hilarious and well worth a read! The only people who won't enjoy it are humourless, pompous, self- important, security- lax idiots who spend far too much time poking into other people's business. Don't let some small-minded killjoy Dictator deprive you of your fun." -- Signed AnonyCat

Hee.

I think the capital 'D' of 'Dictator' is a particularly nice touch.

Ah well, it's fun to fantasize on what the Captain's response would be to that. I rather think it would provoke his white-to red-to purple-face progression.

I'm not a horrible person, really. So - press 'Delete' and bye bye revi-

What?!

Oh No! NO!

I've ADDED it! How could that happen?

Damn, Damn...

Don't Panic, Don't Panic.

I didn't sign it, did I? The Captain won't be looking at the reviews, will he? It is anonymous, isn't it? But I mentioned security... and spelt 'humourless' correctly.

Damn!

Security override! Will that work with the library net?

This is worse than dealing with angry aliens. At least with those one can usually just shoot back.

----------------

So, now the library net has recovered from its mysterious crash, it appears that the most recent changes were not saved - including my review. I can breathe again.

I don't think the librarian suspected. Though he did give me some funny looks when I saw him later in the Mess Hall. Did he mutter something about the abuse of power? Or was it that he was worried about the power supply?

I better leave it a couple of weeks before following up with him - again!- on my missing order for Weapons of the Universe, Parts 42 and 47. Shame, because in Part 47 there's a particularly impressive Andorian Stun Grenade that I wanted to read about.

Fredricks over on Shenandoah was raving on the InterShip ArmList about that phase rifle in Part 42 with multiple output beams. I'm not convinced but I can't argue properly until I've read the article in question. How can you target effectively without spending hours setting up? It's okay if the enemy courteously waits around for you to get ready, but hardly practicable, is it?

Fredricks is bound to be wrong. What can one expect from someone on a ship that spends all its time rescuing cats stuck up trees - metaphorically speaking of course.

And I'll miss the deadlines for the Readers' Competitions. Damn!

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Back to the grindstone. This research is going to take me all my off-shift hours if I'm to get it done in time.

I won't have time to prepare a Phase 4. But I won't need one, will I? ::shudder:: I certainly hope not.

Now there's a thought. A back up plan. I will add a little 'sensor glitch' set to appear at the right time in case it goes over time. Nothing too elaborate or worrisome but sufficient that it will require my immediate attention to deal with it.

So Phases 1 to 3 plus back up. That should do the trick all told.

I hope.

I really hope so.

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END File Extract. And eat it.

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A/N: Part 2 to follow... 


	2. Part 2

Disclaimer: see Part 1.

A/N: Thanks for the reviews!

**Operation Bamboozle**

**Part 2**

So, what was Malcolm up to after the events of 'Breakfast'? My source has been digging...

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Security Lock Alpha Gamma Delta 2-3: Reed, Lt. Malcolm

**Strictly Top Secret** --------------------**NO UNAUTHORISED ACCESS**

_Operation Bamboozle_ - Mission Debrief

So, _Operation Bamboozle - _My overall assessment...

I'm so happy, oh so happy, dee dum, dee dum...

I must stop singing that! They're not even the right words, for goodness' sake, but I can't get that damn tune out of my head.

So, yes, I'm happy with how Operation Bamboozle went. Ecstatic, even!

It's odd. People keep smiling at me. My satisfaction at the virtually flawless execution of _Operation_ _Bamboozle_ must show I suppose. Normally they look kind of guilty - either that or annoyed. The Captain is usually in the latter category, but even he seems to have been in a good mood since our breakfast.

Dee dum, dee dum...

'_West Side Story' _::snort:: That's what I get for persuading Trip to show a less... unsettling... film for the crew.

He insisted - in fact, he made it a direct order - that I attend. It was petty-minded of him. But sadly, that is one of the prices one has to pay when selling one's soul to Starfleet. There is always someone else higher up in the Chain of Command. However, even that couldn't put a damper on how I feel - remarkable really considering how annoying Trip was.

Trip must have known that I wouldn't _actually_ have included a note in my Security Reports that he had been irresponsible. I only implied that I would, to give added weight to my strong recommendation that he cancel _'Aliens'._

I mean, I don't understand it. How could Trip even consider showing the sequel giventhat absolute farrago last week after_ 'Alien'_? Has he no common sense at all?!

Oh yeah, I forgot. He thought it was one big joke. It was muggins here who had to sort it all out.

::sigh::

I'm surprised Starfleet psyche testing didn't pick up Crewman Smith's susceptibility to paranoia. Most inefficient of them. Smith went completely off his trolley. Phlox assured him he was only suffering from indigestion, but Smith wouldn't have it. And then he went on a rampage, insisting that T'Pol was an android bent on our destruction.

I am thankful Smith works in hydroponics and not Security. His only available weapons were tomatoes; several varieties of seedlings; and bunches of herbs – mostly basil and oregano I believe – well, that's what I have put in my report. Oh, and some rooting powder mixed with liquid nutrients. And a high-pressure sprayer.

It's amazing how Vulcans can retain their dignity in the most unpromising circumstances. I do admire that.

I have been keeping a close eye on Smith since the incident although Phlox says there is no reason to suppose he will suffer a relapse. One can't be too careful.

Some people at Movie Night yesterday didn't know about the cancellation of _'Aliens'_ and were rather irate, even though _'West_ _Side_ _Story'_ does include some violence. Okay, there are no rampaging, unstoppable aliens dripping acid all over the place, but that's the whole point! It could have been worse - the other alternative was_ 'The Sound of Music'_!

Trip made it quite clear to the audience why it was a different programme. Great. Just what I need. A bunch of vengeful movie fans gunning for me.

That's the last time I help Trip out. I did him a favour, after all. I'm sure the Captain would've been appalled at the Commander's original choice.

Still - what is done is done and so far today I have had no reports of suspected knife fights or deadly outbreaks of song or dance. I know what I would be dealing with if the original programme had been shown. So, it worked out well in the end.

I'm so happy, oh so happy...

Stop singing that, Malcolm!

But it is true. I am happy. _Operation Bamboozle_ was perfect – almost perfect. There was a minor slip at the beginning of Phase 2 but it was followed by an excellent recovery. The mission was one hundred per cent effective with all objectives met. I implemented Phases 1 and 2 but was able to hold Phase 3 in reserve. The glitch that I engineered did not need to come into play because we did not run significantly over time.

All in all, it was a very smooth and efficient operation - up there with my best. It is a shame that only I will ever be aware of its true brilliance, but that is what one gets at times for operating at the edges of society, in the shadowy world of security where one can trust no one.

::embarrassed cough:: I think I let that espionage thriller_ 'Tinker, Tailor, Soldier... Beagle' _get too much under my skin. Next thing I know, I'll be imagining that Porthos is working undercover for the Andorians. I wonder if beagle ears work the same way as antennae?

There were some interesting pointers on that in _'A Veterinary Manual for Beagle Owners'_...

Gah! Am I doomed to have my brain clogged up for ever more with beagle trivia!? Never mind. It was worth the consequences.

Dee dum, dee dum, di duummm... I'm so pretty, oh so pretty...

Now at last I can forget the perils of fraternization and concentrate on my job instead.

No more water polo.

No more happy families.

No more dogs!!!

Time for fun, working on my new security protocols. I've got some good ideas and just need to firm them up a little.

::beep::

Ah. What's this? A communiqué from the Captain.

De dum, de dum...

Should I have sent him a 'Thank You' note?

No - most definitely not. I don't want to encourage the man. After all, he's not one of my aunts is he?

::splutter:: That gave me the most awful vision of the Captain in drag! Horrendous.

Uh oh. Did Captain Archer find out about me crashing the library net? Has he been able to access my deleted review?

Umm. No. I'm certain I did a pretty thorough job in mangling the library data. There's really no need to be so jumpy. What it is to live with a guilty conscience, Malcolm - be sure your sins will find you out!

Let's see what Archer has to say then. Better out than in, or open instead of closed.

De dum, de dum...

Open the message and...

What?

I don't believe it!

::gulp::

Breakfast next week. _Water polo?! _

WATER POLO?!

But surely it was supposed to be another year and a half by my reckoning. What's going on? Why does he want another breakfast with me next week? Breakfast AND water polo vids?

It's not fair. It's not bloody fair.

::muffled sob:: Noooo. I can't do this any more.

I tried so hard.

::another sob::

All that work. All that research. And this is my reward.

Moral of the story: one can be too clever by half. I am just too good.

---------------------------

Now I've recovered from the shock, I have to start thinking tactically again. Perhaps I could seek allies?

Would Trip help? No. There'll be no sympathy there - quite the opposite I would wager.

Travis? He would fall about laughing and tell all the ship.

Hoshi - she would think it amusing too. I suppose she would keep it to herself... No. Not Hoshi.

Anyone else...? No. Isn't it a sad indictment that there is no one on this entire ship that I can turn to in my hour of need?

I am on my own in this struggle. One against tremendous odds.

I did it once. I can do it again. But how, and what then - after that? What if there is another time, after this one? It might be never ending. I would have to transfer off the ship to make it stop! I don't want to do that.

That sculpture is looking at me again. The eyes follow me around. I'm sorry! You are my interpretation of a beagle, okay? I can't get all the proportions right. Think of it as art, okay?

I'm officially mad. I must be, if I'm talking to a sculpture. Of a beagle. With three ears. I'm sorry; I was thinking about something else, okay?

STOP LOOKING AT ME!

--------------------

I've calmed down again. The loony bin has receded.

What is the solution? There is always a solution.

The Captain could get kidnapped. That's a good plan - almost foolproof, in fact. We haven't had such an incident for a few weeks so must be due one soon.

I still need a back up plan, though, in case it happens later on in the day after breakfast.

I can talk at length about beagles now, but from what the Captain says, he wants it to be all about water polo.

I think I'm losing the will to live.

--------------------

I'm going to do some target practice. That always cheers me up. And I am using the beagle targets. So there!

Well... no, not the beagles. Just the usual, just in case.

---------------------

I've got it. I'm going to intercept and destroy all water polo communications. That way, we won't get copies of the games and I won't have to suffer. I will have to talk to Hoshi about it. Can I trust her?

----------------------

No. I can't trust Hoshi. The first few words were out of my mouth and she just started laughing. Not just a giggle but an honest-to-goodness laugh. Quite frankly, I don't see the funny side myself and I made that quite clear to her.

She better realise what power the Chief of Security wields. Laughing at him just doesn't cut it, in my opinion.

--------------------

So - what have I got on Ms Ensign Laughing-On-the-Other-Side-of-her-Face-Soon Sato?

Hhhmm. Let's look at her comm records. Everyone uses the comms inappropriately for one thing or another. What is her 'vice'?

Strange. I can't find anything at all. She is - apparently - squeaky clean. I do not believe that.

Of course, she is also the comm officer and well capable of hacking these logs. I might not be able to nail her on whatever it is she is doing, but I can get her on interfering with ship's communications.

Not that I would, obviously, but I will show her who has the power around here.

There is the problem that she hasn't left any evidence that I can find, so I will have to be devious. I'll hint that I know what she has done but avoid anything concrete that she can pull me up on.

I will spend some time preparing for this. I have one shot at getting it right.

------------------

I invited Hoshi to my quarters - there is the need to be discreet in this situation. Talking on the bridge or in the Armory is too dangerous. I don't want the Captain or Trip to overhear.

Unfortunately, the meeting was a failure. As soon as Hoshi came in, she looked at my sculpture and laughed - continuously. She was making so much noise that she didn't even hear my attempt to put the frighteners on her. She excused herself and left, hiccupping, after assuring me that I should keep on practising. Quite encouraging really, I suppose, but not the reason I invited her.

Perhaps if I had yet another go at remodelling the sculpture she won't laugh so much next time?

Or I could ::gulp:: destroy it? No. There is too much of my artistic self in that poor, sad three-eared beagle, my id. Or is it ego? Whatever, it is staying.

I think I need another plan.

------------------

Trip saw my sculpture today when he called by to see if I was going to the Mess Hall. He thought it was intended to be from some film. Umm. '_Close Encounters of The Third Kind' _I think he said. Then he mentioned something about mashed potato. I've no idea what he was going on about. He started humming a little tune and I can't get it out of my head now.

Dum di dum di dummm.

It is only marginally better than 'I'm so happy...' which I'm not any longer. That tune was driving me bonkers.

I broached my water polo problem, in hypothetical terms. Trip, as I suspected, no, as I _knew_, thought it was a hoot and offered no solution whatsoever. I don't know why I bother.

At least he promised not to say anything to anyone else.

Why is it then that later on, Travis was making what looked suspiciously like breaststroke arm movements on the bridge? I gave him my most authoritative glare and it had no effect at all. I swear he winked at me.

I think I am turning into a failure. A laughing stock.

-------------------

I am going to try more sculpture to aid my thought processes. However, I have decided on an abstract rather than representational approach this time. My three-eared beagle will be my muse.

----------------------

It was not successful. Sculpture is not my 'thing' after all.

Target practice it is then.

-----------------------

To my alarm, the Captain is getting increasingly and unbearably cheery. He even flung a 'matey' arm around me today at the daily briefing and announced that he'd make me a water polo expert yet.

I have rarely been so embarrassed, and that is saying a lot.

Only T'Pol showed no visible reaction. Hoshi almost choked, Trip was beside himself with glee and Travis grinned like a loon. Trip has told Travis - I am certain of it.

I expect the Captain is now the only person on this ship who doesn't know how I feel. T'Pol's hearing is too good to miss out on anything like that and the Doctor is far too nosey. And the rest of them are a bunch of old women who spend all day gossiping when they should be getting on with their work. I will make sure the Armory team has _plenty_ of work to get on with. So what if they call me a miserable old git? - Tough. If I'm miserable, they're going to be too.

::sigh::

I will never have any authority again. Not unless I can deal with this. What kind of a tactical officer am I if I end up being dragooned into watching water polo?

My career depends on solving this problem.

Well, that is possibly an exaggeration, but not much of one. If I'm not able to nip this in the bud, it'll be all round the fleet soon.

This is serious.

--------------------

**B-day minus 2**

Only two more days to go before breakfast and a poolside seat, so to speak. I am no further advanced with my plan.

There was good news and bad news today.

The good news was that the Captain got abducted, not that I wish him any harm, of course. I don't believe he was in any danger. The aliens appeared to be rather cuddly and their only demands were centred on certain food items. They were using the Captain to check the items were edible.

The bad news was that we were able to recover him relatively quickly. Quite frankly, the aliens were no match for us and treated it all as some huge game.

I wish I could have left him with them for a few more days, until B-day had passed. The Captain's diary does tend to fill up some way ahead and that would have given me more time.

T'Pol didn't agree so we had to go in and rescue him. He wasn't very grateful, all things considered. He demanded to know why we had taken so long. It seems that the mixture of pickled gherkins and rice pudding hadn't agreed with him. Or was it the one with a combination of peanut butter, fried onion rings and chocolate-chip ice cream? Chicken korma and doughnuts? I can't remember - there were so many.

I do now have an idea. The Captain was almost cross enough to rescind everyone's privileges, particularly the security team's. Perhaps if I aggravate him enough, he will cancel breakfast as a sort of punishment? He might even ban me from viewing any water polo.

::sigh:: It would mean another black mark on my record. What is worse? A delay in any promotion or several more years of water polo with the Captain.

Difficult.

Perhaps I can keep my offence trivial enough to stay off my record but sufficient to really, really infuriate the Captain.

So - I now have the beginnings of a possible plan. But there is only a short time in which to implement it.

-----------------

The beagle target practice tracks?

No. Far too annoying. The Captain would go ballistic. I could find myself thrown out of an airlock, even if that is against regs. Captains have a habit of being able to manipulate investigations into that sort of thing, particularly if aided and abetted by a Security second-in-command eager for promotion.

Even a sentence of several years of water polo is preferable to being tossed out into the vacuum of space.

Oh, I don't suppose he would _really_ do that, but he could make my life a misery from here on in for the foreseeable future. So, my first assessment of that plan stands: no go.

-------------------

I'm brilliant! I have the perfect solution. I will not purposely commit a misdemeanour. No - I will merely carry out my duties.

The brilliant part is that I will carry them out with utmost zeal and vigour, ensuring that the Captain is fully aware of all security measures that can and should be taken, possibly including combat practice.

Brilliant! How can he possibly censure me for simply doing my job, yet soon he will be sick and tired of me?! He will not want to spend a second more in my presence by the time I have finished with him.

It has the added attraction of helping in future too. The Captain does tend to be far too cavalier when it comes to what I recommend. After spending some time in the presence of Malcolm Reed - Super Security Man - he will be more than thankful to get back to my normal approach. He might even take more notice of me for fear of finding the demanding SSM has returned!

What can go wrong with that?

There is no fear of being held back in my career or chucked out of an airlock. If anything, I might find a commendation winging my way and possibly a rapid promotion to get me out of his hair.

I know I shouldn't say this, but I'm so good!

------------------

**B-day minus 1**

So, I'm back in my quarters after the beginning of _Operation New Leaf_. Hah. The Captain doesn't know what's hit him! Before he can stop me, every time - I am there, putting in my Security oar, advising caution, cramping his style.

Hee.

The Growarths, the creatures who kidnapped him, now want to be friends. I am insisting on escorting the Captain all the time, fully armed and push him promptly to the ground should danger threaten. Which it does - frequently.

In my judgement, of course. ::laughs:: It is wonderful. Liberating!

The Captain looks a little battered now and is starting to cringe away when I approach. My aversion therapy is starting to take effect.

I insisted that he take part in a sparring session, several actually, scheduled for today and tomorrow. He tried to plead unfitness. He said he still hadn't recovered from his food testing duties but I begged to disagree. Phlox gave him a clean bill of health. He is just being a crybaby.

The first session starts soon. I think I'll start with simple throws and work up from there. It is my duty to be tough with him. After all, one never knows what dastardly alien one is going to face around the next nebula. This is such fun! I should've done this ages ago!

---------------

Trip has been bending my ear. He tried to show me the error of my ways, but I remained stubbornly obtuse. He knows me too well, however. I can see a suspicious glint in his eyes. I don't know if he'll tell the Captain. He hasn't got any proof, after all.

-----------------

I've just had a wonderful sparring session with the Captain. Normally I hold back, but this time, I didn't pull any punches, literally. I told the Captain that as he had been training for so long, he was now considered as 'advanced' and I would therefore feel obliged not to shirk my duty. I absolutely flattened him. It felt good! He didn't stand a chance. I have time to work out much more than he ever does and I've got a few years on my side. Mind you, he does have guts, I'll say that. And he did manage some good moves of his own. Umm. Yeah, my nose is quite sore and that eye is a most interesting shade. Still, it is worth it.

I've scheduled another session after dinner.

If I batter him sufficiently, he might take the morning off and want to skip breakfast. At least, that is what I hope.

Failing that, he might put me in Sick Bay. Yes - not ideal but it might have to do. I've put myself in the line of fire for others - why not for myself too?

------------------------

Damn, damn, double damn. It didn't work.

The Captain took me to one side before our last session tonight. He enquired in compassionate terms about my health, suggested that I was perhaps pushing too hard and needed to take a break - needed to relax. In fact, I needed to 'chill out' and watch some water polo. So tomorrow it is all set.

Water polo and breakfast. A day off duty. And then, water polo and dinner.

Aaarrghh!

Why are all my plans too good?!

-----------------

**B-day**

The moment of truth.

There is no hiding place. I must go and suffer, in the sure knowledge that this is only the beginning.

I must be strong. I cannot show any weakness.

Aaaaarrrgggghh!

-------------------------

END File Extract. Vaporize.

* * *

A/N: Uh oh. Things look black indeed. :(

The sequel to 'Breakfast', entitled 'Consequences', reveals what happens next. I aim to post it next week.


	3. Part 3

Disclaimer: see Part 1.

A/N: Part 3 takes place after 'Consequences' (the sequel to 'Breakfast'). There is a slight inconsistency in the portrayal of events at the beginning of this Part and the end of 'Consequences' but think of it as artistic licence; or an unreliable narrator somewhere, perhaps; or the official and unofficial (more truthful?) versions... :-)

* * *

**Operation Bamboozle**

**Part 3**

From my secret source, a most resourceful source...

Security Lock Alpha Gamma Delta 2-3: Reed, Lt. Malcolm

**Strictly Top Secret** --------------------**NO UNAUTHORISED ACCESS**

Phlox has at last liberated me from Sick Bay. I spend far too much time there. It can't be good for my health - all those weird concoctions and alien creatures roaming around my body, snacking on my vital organs.

::ughh::

So - the water polo torture.

It's over.

I am triumphant. Sort of.

Not that I had much say in the matter.

My brain might have deserted me but my body came through and saved me - at a cost. Was it worthwhile?

::sigh::

I suppose so. I won't have to watch water polo with the Captain ever again.

Oh, but it was so incredibly embarrassing. One moment I was sitting quietly watching the game, and then I was engulfed in irrational panic. It is ludicrous, I know. How can I possibly end up incapacitated by aquaphobia _in_ _space_?

Sheer natural talent, that's how.

Huh.

What a skill. I better add it to the list.

And not only did I lose all self-control, the Captain was there to witness it in all its gory detail. He was kind enough to insist it wouldn't have any bearing on my duties but surely I have lost what credibility I had with him? Is he ever going to take any notice of my advice in future?

Mind you, he never has taken much notice of me anyway, so no change there.

I added a new twist this time. Instead of turning into a gibbering idiot, I turned into a gibbering idiot _and_ managed to knock myself senseless. I now have an impressive lump on the back of my head to show for it.

When I came round, all I could see was the sky filled with a gigantic alien monster.

I didn't have a weapon with me but my unarmed combat skills kicked into play. I launched myself at it and knocked it to the ground. It was only when I had clobbered it again that I realised it was Phlox, right before everything went black...

When I regained consciousness again, I found I had been strapped to the bed. I was absolutely furious! I still am absolutely furious, and likely to remain so for some time! He's a doctor, is he? I have my doubts, the quack. He should've known I was likely to be disorientated. Why did he put himself in that threatening position, looming over me?

::sigh::

I can see I'm going to have to have a chat with him to explain about proper safety protocols in Sick Bay. And that won't include strapping me down. I do have some self-control, after all. Other people... well, maybe...

Yes. I am furious and totally, utterly, irretrievably embarrassed.

The Captain was so, so sympathetic. It would have been easier to deal with if he'd been more irritated that I couldn't join him again in watching water polo, or annoyed that I'd had a go at Phlox, but that sympathy... ughh. "If you need to talk, Malcolm, I'm here." Deep, sincere gaze. Urrghh!

I have tried to forget about the aquaphobia, thought I _could_ forget it out in space... Why on Earth would I want to talk about it?!

The Captain said he won't tell anyone else about it. Phlox promised as well, although I saw a nasty gleam in his eye... not the black one.

Oh, and then the Captain said - clear evidence of his flimsy grasp of some shipboard relationships - "And remember, Phlox is skilled in psychiatry. If you don't want to talk to me about it, talk to him."

Double urrghh! I happened to catch Phlox's look when the Captain said that. It reminded me of those 'mad scientist' films of Trip's - positively evil. ::shudder:: I vow not to end up in Sick Bay again. No way. Ever.

I have my sincere doubts about Phlox. I am convinced that one of the reasons he took this posting was so he could experiment on us - just some of the things he says. No one else appears to have noticed this. Trip wouldn't believe me when I said Phlox admitted he likes inflicting pain. As if I would lie about that!

Perhaps it is only me he experiments on?

He hates me, I think - no, I know he does.

Just because tentacles have feelings! How was I supposed to know? In any case, I was only going to give it a few zaps. Will Phlox ever let me forget that?

But what annoyed me today is that our _good_ Doctor refused to release the restraints until he had 'treated me' even though I was clearly rational.

'Treatment', he calls it - torture, more like!

I feel queasy again just thinking about it. Phlox's cures are often worse than the illness. A lot worse.

Phlox said to the Captain, with a sideways glance at me, "The Aldebaran Basking Slug - ideal for suppressing anxieties. Here's one of the beauties, for your appreciation."

It was dull grey, slimy, with gollops of white goo dripping off it, writhing in Phlox's hand.

::shudder::

I could only watch, helpless. The Captain looked intrigued. It was okay for him, he wasn't about to be tortured, was he?! No wonder I was anxious!

Phlox was enjoying himself far too much. Then he gave that unnatural smile, the one that makes your flesh crawl. "Open wide, Lieutenant."

I clamped my jaw shut.

Phlox is too quick on the uptake, and next thing I know, he'd got hold of my nose, shot the damn thing into my mouth, and forced me to swallow it!

I thought he wasn't allowed to treat people against their consent! That's how he gets round that ethical straightjacket; he just makes it impossible for the poor benighted patient to object. I bet he has a stash of gags somewhere.

I was furious, but the Captain didn't notice - he was prodding at the remaining basking slugs to see if he could get them to release more goo.

I am grateful I got out of Sick Bay in one piece - with one small addition.

Umm. I think the slug is still moving around down there but Phlox said it wouldn't survive for long. It must be my imagination then. It does make it difficult to get comfortable. It's just as well I'm off duty for the rest of today.

Peace and quiet at last and the contemplation of _no_ water polo. Ever.

Mmm. Nice.

---------------------

Haa. I have had an excellent idea.

I have decided that the Doctor needs his combat skills improving

I will schedule several sessions with him - get him on my home turf for a change. We'll see who can inflict the most pain.

Of course, it wouldn't be 'ethical' to 'harm' him.

::snort::

I can be _most_ unethical if the circumstances demand it.

Fun, fun, fun!

--------------------

I suppose I must be thankful I've not got anything enjoying itself playing around in my intestines - except for the slug, which seems to have gone very quiet. So perhaps Phlox was telling the truth when he said it wouldn't last long?

Unless Phlox put something else in there, when I was unconscious, and hasn't told me?

That would be just his style, the duplicitous quack.

I can't feel anything else... at least, I don't think I can, but that doesn't mean anything.

----------------------

Yet another message from the Captain. He wants to know - again - how I am feeling. I think he feels guilty about it all.

Yes, yes, I am absolutely delighted that I will not in future be able to grace you with my presence during _fascinating_ games of water bleugh. Now please do go away, there's a good Captain, and leave me alone!

Umm, which translates to: _'Thank you for your concern, Sir. I am fine.'_

And add: _'Do you wish to resume our training sessions?'_

Hee.

That'll shut him up. If not, I'll put him in the queue after Doctor Quackers.

-------------------

The more I think about it, the more certain I am that Phlox has inflicted some other creature on me. I can feel it moving about inside me.

I don't see why we are cursed with an alien doctor. We are supposed to be the flagship. Why can't we have a proper doctor instead of someone who enjoys experimenting on us? Well, on me in particular.

I will comm him - no way am I going near Sick Bay if I can help it - and see what he says. I can normally tell when someone is lying to me.

-------------------

Now the Doctor is accusing me of paranoia - brought on by 'recent events' - and wants me to return to Sick Bay so he can medicate with something else.

Damn. I should've kept my mouth shut. Or perhaps been less vigorous in my line of questioning.

Damn.

-------------------

Okay. This isn't so bad. Some lozenges. The Doctor says to take one every hour. They are supposed to be calming and uplifting.

::snort:: I have my doubts. Phlox hates me, I know it. All these quack remedies of his.

However, I am still feeling a little shaky - the adrenaline I think - so I will see if they work. He's given me a boxful of the things: black, spherical...

::chew::

Hhhmm.

Interesting texture. Rubbery but fibrous, a rather spicy taste, and something else which reminds me of... aniseed, perhaps? Strange, flaky parts and a liquid centre. Not bad, I can even feel it beginning to take effect.

Oh well, perhaps the Doctor doesn't hate me after all.

-----------------------

Those lozenges are very 'moreish'. Another one I think. Recalling what happened has raised my tension levels again.

-------------------------

Trip called by to see how I was.

He knew something had happened. Apparently I had been seen being carried through the Mess Hall.

That hadn't occurred to me. I can just picture it. All those people... watching me being dragged through the breakfast time crowds. That has to be nearly as embarrassing as the aquaphobia.

I gave Trip my story. I claimed I had slipped over and hit my head. Actually, that is the truth - just not the whole truth.

He gazed at me sceptically until I showed him the injury.

I've still got that massive lump on the back of my head from when I hit the deck - hard. When I first touched it I thought my brains were falling out, but it was only another of the Doctor's creatures. I tried not to look at it when Phlox removed it; I know from bitter experience that it can be most disturbing to watch too closely. But I was too late. I saw the ugly, pulsating, purring thing. Uggh. I think the fact it was mostly translucent and I could see its innards was the most off-putting.

I'm normally pretty good with horrific-looking aliens – as long as they are not attached to me.

Trip asked if I was sure I was okay. He said I seemed a little out of it.

I told him quite honestly that I was feeling pretty good - and I am, surprisingly enough, despite the recent traumas.

He asked me when I was going to be watching water polo again.

I said, with a straight face, that by mutual consent, the Captain and I had decided that water polo is not the sport for me.

Trip looked at me with such frank amazement that I almost burst out laughing. I could see he couldn't figure it out, but he couldn't bring himself to ask what had happened.

I know he will crack in the end. He can't stand not knowing what's going on.

------------------

Another lozenge, Malcolm? Thank you, Malcolm.

Ahh. That's better! I can feel a warm glow wafting over me. They are quite addictive.

No. You can't have any cheese.

No. I don't care. I'm not the Captain. Yet.

Yes, these lozenges aren't bad, not bad at all.

I'm not sure about the hallucinations though...

It must be a hallucination. I didn't include acoustic capability in my beagle sculpture. And even if I had, I wouldn't have got it speaking English - that wouldn't be very realistic would it?

It's asking for cheese, otherwise it says it will turn a phase pistol on me and watch me run...

I know Phlox said take one an hour, but they are lovely. I can ignore the hallucinations.

Another one, I think...

-------------------

Oh Nooooo. The box is empty.

::sob::

And you can shut up, too!

-------------------

I went back to Sick Bay - of my own accord. Umm. Should I be worried about that?

I'm not desperate, not really, but if this medicine is working, I should keep on with it, shouldn't I? I owe it to myself.

I made sure not to mention the talking beagle. Phlox looked at me kind of oddly when I asked for more lozenges. He said I should still have plenty left.

I said yes, of course I have, but a good tactical officer always plans ahead, and I might possibly need a few more to get through the night – a reasonable precaution.

I didn't mention the rude comments his bat was making. I even managed to keep a straight face when the lizard told an obscene and very funny joke. I must try to remember it.

My serious demeanour seemed to satisfy Phlox. He gave me more lozenges but said he would require some time to prepare the whole amount and to come back later.

Then he got down a small crate. It was transparent and I could see some centipede-thingies with huge black eyeballs crawling around inside it.

Now I am sitting here trying not to throw up.

I'll have to go cold turkey.

----------------------

I've just had another visitor: Travis.

I could tell he wanted to know what had happened, how I had managed to escape my fate of endless water polo.

I told him what I had told Trip: mutual agreement.

Travis seemed disappointed in that.

At least now I know the whole ship will soon find out that I was victorious in evading doom. Travis can't keep his big mouth shut. It's better than any intra-ship memorandum.

I was congratulating myself on this dispersal of propaganda - I mean - intelligence, when Travis muttered something about losing a bet.

The swines! They have been gambling on my predicament. I don't know what it was based on. Let me see... how long it was before I shot myself, maybe?

To tell the truth, I don't really care, even though it demonstrates a degree of callousness in my crewmates that I find shocking.

I got my own back.

I told Travis that the Captain was now on the lookout for someone else with whom to share his love of water polo. I said he had asked me for any suggestions.

Hah!

That barb got home all right. Travis seemed a little faint when I said that.

Now I know I will get proper respect from him.

Then I offered him a lozenge.

------------------

I'm ignoring that bloody beagle. I can hardly hear myself think over its yapping jibes. When it has something worth saying, I'll listen to it.

Got that?!

::beep::

Another message from the Captain. I expect he has found some self-help book for me to read. I think he's realised that talking to Phlox is completely out of the question.

Uh oh.

::gulp::

This is bad. Very bad.

_To: M. Reed, Lt. - I have had a report from the librarian that the library net was deliberately tampered with. Apparently some data was deleted._

_Please liaise with Ensign Sato to recover the lost data and forward it to me for my immediate attention so that I can determine its importance. Also, find the culprit. I will not have this sort of behavior on my ship, whether it is vandalism or something more sinister. I intend to make an example of this person._

_J. Archer, Capt._

_FYDI._

Don't panic, don't panic.

No - that didn't work.

I am doomed - I am quite entitled to panic.

This is terrible. Liaise with Hoshi? She will know exactly what to do and how to get to the bottom of this.

I may as well start packing now.

Two lozenges, I think.

----------------------

Shut up!

I'm not listening.

That's not funny.

I would _not_ be any good as a toast rack - I am too big. Or an umbrella stand.

I told you, shut up. That's an order!

I think I do outrank you, actually.

That is sick, t-t-totally sick.

There is NO WAY I would be a suitable floatation device for lifeguards. You are just toying with my... frailties. You should not joke about that. It's a really mean thing to say.

YES IT IS!

I am not listening.

_'101 Uses for a Dead Reed'_ should _not_ be in the library. It is _not_ funny. I don't care what Phlox thinks.

Yes, actually. Beagles _are_ different.

I'm not listening.

La la la la...

-----------------------

Damn.

The Captain found out about the phase pistol I keep in my quarters.

I couldn't help it. The beagle sculpture was after me.

Now it is a smouldering lump.

Of course, the Captain and my security team were on to me straightaway. I didn't forget about the sensors but there was no time to disable them. I would've been a dead man for sure. I wonder where it got its weapon from?

I didn't say anything about the beagle to the Captain. I didn't want to upset him - he has his illusions about the breed, after all.

He gave me a peculiar look when I said I discharged my weapon accidentally - yeah, not at all believable but the best I could come up with. Now he has confiscated it.

The Captain has told me to report to his Ready Room shortly, once he has had an opportunity to consider how to deal with me.

I hope I really have accounted for that evil beagle.

I'm sure I just saw its remains twitch.

Perhaps I should keep two phase pistols in my quarters?

----------------------

::sigh::

That went badly.

The Captain said he was very disappointed in me. He said he realised that I must be under some stress because I am unable to watch water polo and because of my... ::cough:: aquaphobia. Yes - that's exactly how he put it, with a little embarrassed cough. You know, if he couldn't deal with my revelation he damned well shouldn't have got me to talk about myself. Or made me have breakfast with him.

The Captain reminded me that weapons are not permitted in crew quarters.

Well, duh! I know that, but I have given myself special dispensation regarding that rule.

It's all a question of hats: the Tactical Officer deemed it a good plan, the Chief Security Officer authorised it and the Armory Officer issued the weapon. I don't see the problem. It not like any Tom, Dick or Harry can get proper authority – only Malcolm!

Hah!

I didn't tell the Captain that, of course. That's why he has his officers, so he doesn't need to worry about such insignificant details.

That still left the question of the weapon's unauthorised discharge. I felt I was quite in order to use it to defend myself but of course, in doing so, I destroyed most of the perpetrator - enough to leave no evidence of its actions. My phase pistol was set on 'kill', entirely correct in the circumstances.

Without any evidence, I had nothing I could say in my defence, so kept my mouth shut throughout the proceedings. As a beagle was involved that was probably wise anyway, given the Captain's loyalties in that regard.

The Captain said he had no option. He has made a note on my record. However, he will not impose any further punishment.

There goes my bid for rapid promotion.

Damnation.

::sigh::

The Captain feels sorry for me, I think, because I am denied access to the 'joy' that is water polo. He also feels guilty because he managed to induce my aquaphobia to show itself - quite a feat in the vacuum of space. Yes - our Captain does have some amazing talents.

::big sigh::

The Captain also told me I must not take my frustrations out on my accommodation, even without the aid of a phase pistol.

Which reminds me, I forgot to ask him if he wants to resume our training sessions - he never answered my earlier note about that. A good bout of unarmed combat will do wonders at getting rid of my frustration. I don't think the Doctor alone will give me a sufficient challenge.

------------------------

Trip came by again. He had heard about the incident with the phase pistol.

He asked about the shakes. I said it was a training technique that I was evaluating - the opposite of meditation.

I offered him a lozenge.

I had one too. Yes - I know I said cold turkey but I'll just finish them off first... It would be a shame to waste them. I'll try to forget about what they are made of.

Haa. I might tell Trip later. I'd pay good money to see the look on his face. Travis as well, but Trip loathes bugs. I'll see if I can borrow a camera for the occasion.

Hee.

----------------------

It seems Trip didn't believe me about the anti-meditation training technique and ratted me out to Phlox.

So, after another trip to Sick Bay, courtesy of Commander Bloody Tucker, I am now officially off the medicine. No more lozenges.

Phlox viewed my reactions to them as an interesting experiment and spent ages carrying out tests and asking me stupid questions.

It was hard to ignore what the animals were saying. Some of them were quite scathing about my condition, others made bloody good jokes - I couldn't keep a straight face. The things that lizard says! He'd slay them on the comedy circuit.

I had to repeat everything they said for the Doctor's benefit. He has a peculiar sense of humour. The 'Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman and Denobulan' jokes were hilarious but he just couldn't get them. How sad.

In the end, I laughed manically and told Phlox he was a menace, a lunatic and a quack, and a lot more besides! Err, let's see, one of my better efforts was: 'a homicidal freak with no ethics and marbles for a brain with a tenuous grasp of anything remotely resembling medical proficiency'.

Hah! It was most satisfying. All that pent up emotion let loose in a satisfying torrent. It got me out of Sick Bay too.

Take that, Doctor Evil!

----------------------

Uh oh. Phlox's sent me a curt note about inappropriate behaviour, copied to the Captain.

I do now have concerns about my next visit to Sick Bay. I will just have to avoid it, that's all.

Hmm. That's not very likely, is it, going by past history?

I may have to bargain with Phlox: forget about training sessions in return for 'appropriate treatment' next time I am under his control.

That is so annoying. I had been so looking forwards to walloping the Doctor - the one spark of enjoyment on the near horizon.

----------------------

The Captain called me to his Ready Room again - this is getting to be a nasty habit - to lecture me on proper behaviour for an officer.

I kept my mouth shut and took the bollocking without complaint, but when was the Captain last subjected to Phlox in full 'mad professor' mode? It's always me, isn't it? It's not fair.

It's funny how we get Dr Frankenstein films on those Movie Nights when I happen to be incarcerated in Sick Bay. I notice Phlox always goes to those.

It's all one big conspiracy.

I want a lozenge. I should've hidden some with the replacement phase pistol.

-----------------------

::sigh::

I am so fed up. So very depressed.

I can't believe I shot my sculpture. It is almost utterly destroyed - only a remnant is left. A single ear.

The fruits of all that effort, skill and artistic inspiration gone, in a trice.

::sigh::

And at my own hand.

I feel like I have lost a friend. No - worse than that - I feel as though I have murdered a friend.

::sigh::

I better return my phase pistol to the Armory. Gah! I can't even trust myself with a weapon any more. The Captain was far too lenient with me. I don't know whether to be pleased about that or worried.

I was totally off my rocker. It's very embarrassing. Not only the Captain saw me like that, but Trip, Travis... my security team. Damn and blast. Everyone in the corridors...

Phlox as well but he doesn't count.

::sigh::

Whatever possessed me to insult Phlox? That was tactically - let's not beat about the bush here - downright stupid! I can only guess that I was still under the medicine's influence. I hope Phlox realises that.

I wish I had another lozenge.

No, no! Stop thinking like that! Pull yourself together, man.

::sigh::

This is going to be a difficult few days.

::sigh::

-----------------------

Another visitor. What a surprise - not. I appear to be the on-board entertainment for today. This time it was Hoshi, politely averting her eyes from the sad remains of my sculpture.

To begin with, I thought she might have come to cheer me up, but no - she wanted to know if I had got anywhere with finding out who had damaged the library net.

I could only respond in a kind of stuttering splutter. I noticed the evil gleam in her eyes - her usual inappropriate sense of humour.

"Who do you think it could be?" she asked, staring straight at me. "Have you worked out a profile of the offender?"

Well - what was I supposed to say? Confess all and throw myself on her mercy? Or play along on the off chance that she couldn't reconstruct the data and track its origin?

I'm not one to surrender whilst there is the slightest hope, so I went for broke. How did I put it? Oh, yeah: "Clearly it was someone who was trying to compensate for a feeling of inadequacy by carrying out juvenile pranks. The amount of data lost appears to be very small and from a non-critical part of our systems. I think if we ask the Captain to send a warning note around the ship, there shouldn't be a recurrence."

I thought that was fairly persuasive.

But no. Hoshi pointed out that the Captain had specifically ordered us to identify the offender.

So - she's left me to it, to do what I can. She says she has a foolproof way of tracking the lost data but it will take some time. She suggested I read the message again - carefully - and then left. I am sure I heard her laugh when she got on the other side of my door.

::sigh::

Just when I thought matters couldn't get any worse.

Read the message again?

Yes - it is quite clear.

Except:

_'J. Archer, Capt._

_FYDI.'_

What is that supposed to mean? The Captain doesn't normally sign off like that. FYDI?

I've never heard of that acronym.

What does our database say?

FYDI.

_'Fooled You Didn't I?'_

Uh?

::choke::

What?!

It was a fake message?!

Hoshi - you, you... rat! Ratesse!

Behind that innocent façade you are evil - up there with Phlox! I wouldn't be surprised if Travis is in on it as well.

Hmm.

Perhaps Hoshi needs more _training_?

Not target practice - that is too good for her - even if I made _her_ the target! Although thinking about it, that does have its attractions. It might be difficult to explain it to the Captain, I suppose, if she ends up in Sick Bay.

EV work? Possibly... A little stroll across the hull? Near a planet - that's always good for inducing vertigo.

No. I've got it! The ship's sanitation systems. That's more like it! After all, our Ensigns are supposed to get a well-rounded education. That means _all_ the ship's systems.

Hah!

I feel a lot happier.

Oh, I suppose I shouldn't use my rank to get my own back. It should be something more in keeping with the spirit of such things, but I can dream, can't I?

Thanks, Hoshi, for cheering me up.

I wish I had more lozenges - for visitors only, naturally. I would only need one for each person - not enough to get hooked but sufficient to achieve the full effect when I reveal what they are made from.

Hah!

That would most certainly be in keeping with the spirit of things.

-------------------------

The Captain unexpectedly called by my quarters.

It seems he has read Phlox's report on his experiments... I mean, treatment... and my somewhat, umm... disturbed... response to the lozenges.

I apologised, of course, but the Captain wouldn't hear of it. It astonishes me that he still is happy to retain me in my post but he said it could have happened to any one of us. It was just unlucky it happened to be me.

That was decent of him.

He was quite remorseful. He apologised for being so harsh on me about firing my phase pistol and on what I said to Phlox. He said he will amend my record accordingly to show that I should not be held accountable. Indeed, he might even give me a commendation - if he can think of something to commend me about.

He left me with some good news. It has really raised my spirits.

He said he would find me an asteroid field to blow up. I can play with - err, I mean, deploy - my torpedoes and phase cannons.

Brilliant!

He has been so discouraging about the possibility up to now, arguing that we are not a warship and other such nonsense.

At last, my nightmare is over. Things are returning to normal - better than normal.

I do love a good explosion! The only thing better - almost! - is two explosions!

Who needs lozenges?!

I may even forgive Hoshi.

Of course, I have to do that anyway, given the blackmail material she now has on me.

--------------------

I had so much fun tonight at dinner.

Trip was beside himself. He had clearly been wondering all day how I had managed to persuade the Captain that water polo was not for me. After all, Trip had seen the great success of _Operation Bamboozle_ at first hand - the Captain couldn't stop talking about my apparent enthusiasm for the sport.

In the end Trip caved in - I certainly wasn't going to volunteer - and asked me, "So - how'd you do it? It's all around the ship."

I smiled enigmatically - quick check in the mirror - yes, a good attempt at 'enigmatic'. I knew it was all around the ship - I'd made bloody sure of that! I had told Travis after all.

Trip pleaded with me to tell him.

Haa haa, what power one can wield. I considered for a moment, wondering what I might ask in return for the information Trip so desperately sought. Of course, I no longer need his support on gunnery practice. That's tomorrow - yes!

I came up with a good one. I told Trip I would only divulge the secret of my success if I have a say in what movies are shown in future. Strike while the iron is hot. Cut down on those 'security incidents'.

Trip was most reluctant - he gets so much not-so-innocent pleasure from unsuitable selections - but he couldn't resist. We bargained it down, and it ended up that for the next two months I get to decide what we see.

I had spent some time thinking about exactly what to say concerning my success in evading future water polo engagements. I found something which would infuriate Trip but also was the absolute truth.

I looked him straight in the eye and said, "How did I persuade the Captain I shouldn't watch any more water polo? I didn't have to say a word. It's down to sheer natural talent - Scout's honour!"

Trip did his 'twisted, annoyed' face. I do enjoy that expression of his - it shows that I am on form!

Somehow I don't think our movie deal will stand, but I don't care. I'm not telling him anything more and I'm... happy again!

_'Singin' in the Rain'_?

I'm in the mood for musicals now.

Dum de dum dum, dum de dum de dum dum,...

* * *

END File Extract and feed it to hamsters (after wiping off basking slug goo).


End file.
